Trying Not to Drown
by lil hummingbird
Summary: Going through everything she's gone through, you have to wonder what's really brewing beneath the surface of Elena Gilbert. Is she as strong as she appears to be? Or is she desperately holding on, trying not to drown?


**Why hello there, I missed you guys. So this is just a little ditty that popped into my head that needed to be set free. For those who read That Doesn't Happen in Real Life, Chapter 19 is with the Wonder Twin for pre read so it should be posted soon. Hope you enjoy!**

**p.s. I don't own TVD-sadly**

**Trying Not to Drown**

Dear Diary,

Drowning, that's what it feels like I suppose-without the water of course. Drowning, in a whirlpool of emotions. Raw, unbridled emotions that are being cloaked, bubbling just beneath the calm, sometimes wavy water that is the me I present to the world. They threaten to wrap themselves around me in one swift motion, sucking the breath and life out of my body pulling me deeper and deeper into nothing.

_Pain_ cutting me like a knife, knowing that I am hurting the ones I love with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart. Leaving behind wounds that no one else can see. _Pain_ in knowing, this is not person I want to be but realizing it's too late because this is who I am. _Pain_ in remembering the deep wounds and scars that have been inflicted upon me. _Pain_ I inflict on myself for fighting; fighting the urge to just give up, to give in.

_Love_ for the brother I shouldn't, slowly clawing its way into my heart, into my soul, threatening to consume me. _Love_, that will leave me vulnerable, naked, and ripe for the taking. _Love_ marred by pain, longing, and guilt. _Love_ that I so desperately want to have for the brother it should belong to but was stolen by the other. _Love_ I crave but will never receive. _Love_ that was had but then lost. _Love_ that was painfully taken back, locked away never to be given again for fear of the destruction it will cause if rejected a second time.

_Guilt_ for the love not asked for. _Guilt_ over actions taken and for ones not._ Guilt_ over the abandonment that was never meant. _Guilt_ over the pain being caused, just by being. _Guilt_ for the road not traveled, yet _guilt_ from the road taken. _Guilt_ that grabs your heart, trying to make the beating stop.

_Lust_ that consumes; licking at my body, at my mind, setting me on fire. _Lust_ that invades every waking thought at times and in every unconscious thought the rest. _Lust_ laced with love and guilt making for conflicted bedfellows.

_Anger_ plotting to overtake my soul, engulfing it in permanent darkness for what has been, for what has not, for what was been taken, and for what's to come. _Anger _so strong that it is constantly hovering on the edge, waiting for its moment to spill over, unleashing a wrath that will burn everything to the ground. Only to have a sea of red wash away the ash and the rubble.

_Longing_ for a happiness that has never been seen and waiting to be felt. One I know I don't deserve. _Longing_ to turn back time, changing the course. _Longing_ for the day when life becomes what we had hoped it to be. _Longing_ for the numbness, for the release I beg to give myself, taking all of this away. But what would become of me if I turned it all off?

_Sadness_ that weighs me down but feels like second skin. _Sadness_ for the pain, the loss, the love taken, the love given, and the love never there. _Sadness,_ so all-encompassing, knowing that no matter what happens, pain will come.

_Joy_, all be it small, found in different places. _Joy,_ for the ray of sunshine slicing through the clouds. _Joy,_ in knowing your reason for being; the reason you hold on so tightly, fighting to keep afloat. _Joy_ in the cosmic bond that made you feel a little less alone and being understood without words. _Joy_ for the friendship and acceptance bestowed to few; one that will stand the test of time which nothing can break. _Joy_ for the laughter that feels like a breath of air amongst the suffocation.

_Fear_ all-encompassing, embedded in every fiber of my body. Warning me of the end that will surely come. _Fear_ of what will be left, if anything at all.

This is what goes on beneath the surface as I navigate day by day. Emotions whirling around me, licking my skin, clawing at my heart. Me trying desperately not drown.

***A/N **

**Please review, I love to hear your thoughts.**

**pssst... Did you catch the WT nod JRDurham?**

**XOZO**

**HB**


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